In Which Andrea Studies, Ancedotes Ensue

"Discuss the roles of patronage and corruption as driving forces in Canadian politics" says my history professor, while writing out midterm questions on the blackboard.

"Aha!" says Andrea. "I know this, even when it is almost 1am, and I speak of myself in the third person!"

[Note: since I am not actually a history student, I will cite none of this. If you want citations, Wikipedia needs someone to tell it what a handsome young stud it is and rub up against it suggestively.]

There is this strange rumour going around that Canada has a clean, honest political process because it is... I don't know. Kind of inconsequential? Too cold for smear campaigns? Not the US? Anyway, Canadians are so polite, and our politics reflects this. There is not a whiff of scandal or malarky in Canadian politics. Our leaders are honest, clean cut and—

Sometimes sleep with German prostitutes and lie about it.

Honestly? Canadian history can make the America look pretty darn good.

Let's pick a four year historical period at (not at all) random: World War One. No, not the one where Batman fought the Nazis. The other one. You with me? Okay.

If you're going to fight a war you need generals to tell your fine, upstanding (untrained) military what to do. It would make sense to pick men who have some tactical experience, yes? Men who've perhaps fought and commanded in previous British wars! Men who have displayed some small genius for leading troops into battle! Men who know what the hell they're doing!

...men who you've had supper with in Ottawa! And your son.

If you're the minister in charge of the militia in the early twentieth century, those last two are the only ones that matter. Canada is probably lucky Sam Hughes liked to hang out with other military men and not, say, interior decorators and pastry chefs.

World War I also saw the initial use of everyone's favourite piece of legislation: The War Measures Act, which more or less allows Canada’s Prime Minister to moon the House of Commons and steal its lunch money.

By the time the next election came around most ethnic minorities and pacifists had lost the vote. Soldiers overseas were given ballots stating only "Opposition" or "Government" (which could be distributed at the discretion of election officials, who stuffed Conservative votes into ballot boxes in tight races). Female relatives of soldiers had been given the vote (regardless of Canadian citizenship), and promised that those cowardly Canadians still at home would be drafted and sent overseas to help their fightin' boys.

Also, the press had been censored, habeas corpus suspended and some individuals deported without trial. Gosh, this sounds so familiar...

Interestingly enough, the Conservatives still almost lost the election. I suppose that's what happens when 60% of your troops are being wounded/killed because a certain Minister of the Militia insists on using Canadian rifles (which had a funny habit of jamming... oops).

So the government does what wartime governments do in this country: start drafting people, piss off farmers (who they'd promised not to conscript) and the French (who weren't really all that interested in fighting for Mother Britain, oddly enough).

What makes this fun is that the Conservatives came into power promising to clean up the government. They did this by forcing civil servants to take aptitude tests.

...uh, yeah. You go, guys.


(It's worth pointing out that the next Liberal government would have its first major scandal within five years of getting elected, when it was discovered that customs officials were using their posts to run smuggling rings. Remember kids: when it comes to Canadian politics, everyone looks shameful!)